Strength: Relentless optimism
Flaw: You never ever quit. Ever. Seriously never. Please, just give up already.
Profession: Teach for America Teacher, and you stayed past your commitment. Of course.
Location: Ruining cocktail parties across the US with social justice banter.
2. Mystic the Unicorn: an EDM dj
Strength: You always keep up with current trends, and you score free tickets for pals.
Flaw: You are VERY into yourself. You make Kimye look Mother Teresa modest.
Location: Probably Cochella
Trivia: Once shared an ice cream cone with Tiesto. Yes, we saw it on your instagram.
3. Chocolate the Moose: you do something at a cool company
Strength: You are well liked.
Flaw: You care too much about what other people think of you.
Profession: You work for a non-profit, or netflix, google, groupon, somewhere likeable.
Location: Boston or Chicago
4. Lucky the Ladybug: an ironic government employee
Strength: Reasonable, logical, organized
Flaw: Everyone thinks you can help them, and you really can’t.
Profession: You work for the Department of Motor Vehicles.
Favorite Phrase: “Do you have the required documents?”
5. Peking the Panda Bear: an international business person
Strength: Stability, longevity, financial planning
Flaw: You cannot stray from the plan, for any reason.
Trivia: At age 28 you already have $30,00 in your Roth IRA, but you’ve only been on one date since college.
Location: Jet setting
6. Pouch the Kangaroo: stay at home mom/ blogger
Strength: Pinterest boards on point
Flaw: None. We want to hate you, but your kids are precious, your body is banging, and that pulled pork crock pot recipe was bomb.
Location: Our hometown.
Profession: Being the daughter my mother always wanted.
8. Patti the Platypus: your chatty dental hygenist
Strength: Friendly and positive disposition
Flaw: Incessant chatter about random bullshit while your fingers are in our mouths.
Trivia: Too easy. We all know everything about you
Location: Anywhere HMOs are accepted.
9. Flash the Dolphin: a closeted gay Republican Senator
Strength: Uphold traditional American family values
Flaw: You are a bigot, liar, and want to, “Make America Great Again.”
Trivia: Your name is also one of your favorite hobbies.
Nip the Cat: making it
Strength: The ability to land on all fours 100% of the time.
Flaw: Your success makes others feel inferior.
Idol: Tim Gunn, “Make it work!”
Profession: You worked at a start up that took off, started your own business, still had time to drop an itunes album.
11. Web the Spider: a community organizer/ social justice advocate
Strength: You are all things good and equitable, great at making connections.
Flaw: You cannot shut up about your current cause or campaign.
Location: Brooklyn, NY (we know, we know, your family was there before the gentrification)
12. Humphrey the Camel: a doctor and huge slut
Strength: You’re extremely charming and charismatic.
Flaw: You’ve had sex more times than all the other beanies combined.
Trivia: Got rejected from med school on your first attempt.
14. Squealer the Pig: just finished law school
Strengths: Intelligence, drive, and humor. You’re a packaged squeal.
Flaw: Your life is always harder, your hours always longer, your day always worse.
Trivia: Works “80 hours a week,” but at least 20 hours are lunch, dinner, and internet trolling.
Location: Wherever the money is (a.k.a. nowhere near me)
15. Digger the Crab: what the hell do you do?
Strength: Adventurous, you’re always down to try something new.
Flaw: You are completely disorganized.
Profession: We don’t know. We think you may be a travel writer meets bartender meets promoter meets humanitarian, but we can’t be sure.
18. Curly the Bear: accountant
Strength: Stability and classic American style.
Flaw: You’re. So. Boring. You were #basic before that was even a thing.
Favorite Phrase: “It is what it is.” Yeah, we know, that is how being a noun works.
Location: Philly, but somehow you make it seem boring.
19. Pinchers the Lobster: specialty chef
Strength: Creative, successful, and a deliciously craveable instagram.
Flaw: You’ve gained a little weight tasting your food, but damn it, it looks good on you.
Favorite Phrase: “Anyone can cook,”- Chef Gusteau, from Ratatouille.
Location: Manhattan, New York